You’re growing up so fast

Kaya June,

You continue to be the sweetest girl I know. Tonight I had a headache so we sat on the couch and watched a little bit of a Mickey Mouse Christmas show, a special treat for you! Pluto accidentally made a mess of the Christmas decorations and Mickey got really upset. You noticed how Pluto was sad and started to tear up and asked why he was so sad. It was the saddest and dearest show of emotions. I love that you care so much.

I love the way you stare lovingly at my huge belly and talk to your “Baby.” I love the way you insist on giving him a kiss and hug each night and my heart swells every time you hold my tummy and tell your brother fun facts like “did you know pipes are under the street?” and talk to him about what you’ll do together: “When you get bigger, we can play. It’s Kaya. My color is pink and orange. What’s your favorite color?” I love the way you draw him photos and dream of the things you’ll do together.

You are my sunshine.

You have the biggest heart. We’ve been having a lot of rain the last few weeks and Hank has been so uneasy about the thunder. I love watching you comfort him. Last week was the first time you noticed he was scared. You saw him shaking and asked why he was “moving.” You told him the rain would stop and asked him if he wanted us to make him feel better before showering him with hugs and kisses. You told him that sometimes we get scared of “strange things” and daddy makes us feel better. Tonight you kept checking on him while he hid in the bathtub. Please keep this sweetness forever, my love.

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. We’ve been so busy! I was looking over the little notes I take from time to time on my phone about funny or new things you do or say and I can’t believe how much you’ve grown in just a few months. You are so opinionated and talkative and smart (you’re so good at counting and recognize so many numbers and letters now!)! Here’s a list of a few of my favorite things you’ve said recently:

• 8/18 – I walked into your room after you woke up and the first thing you said was, “Mama, I was thinking we could get ice cream and then go to the place and maybe a show at the place.”
• 8/20 – “I’m not really much hungry to this taco.”  “Ice cream is kind of like medicine.”
• 9/14 – “Good night my mommy sweetie.”
• 9/2018 – “I love you but you’re taking a long time.”
• 9/2018 – “Is it soggy?” (I haven’t heard you replace your “f’s” with “s’s” in a while, but this was one of my favorite things about your speech. You still use the letter “w” instead of “l” though and it’s too cute!
• 10/16 – You were reading a book and said “everybody, everybody, if you see a skunk or a dude that’s not funny, go to your family” “Everybody, everybody, go to your family if you see something stink on you.” I laughed for so long at this.
• 11/4 – If our house was a little bigger, we could fit a helicopter in it.”
• 11/9 – You woke up on your birthday and dad and I burst in singing happy birthday to you and you smiled at us and said “sometimes my tongue is on my pillow,” then “is baby brother out?” We’ve been telling you for months that he’s coming out after you turn three and I love that you’ve been looking forward to his arrival so much!

Speaking of your birthday, you’re a three-year-old now! I can’t believe how fast time has gone! I love that you still want me to snuggle you even though you’re often very independent. I love that you say “Mama” or “Mom” at the end of almost every sentence. I love you curiosity and how observant you are, even though you must ask well over 100 questions every day.

Last month you felt your brother really move for the first time. I’ll never forget how you looked up at me in awe as you shouted “he’s moving!” As your time as an only child quickly comes to end, I want you to know how much I love you. How I’m scared that we’ll grow apart, but you’ll always have my heart. I can’t wait to see you become a big sister and a big girl. These last few weeks while I’ve been on disability, have meant so much to me and I’m so thankful I was able to spend a little extra time just the two of us.  I hope you run to the door screaming “MAMA!” when I pick you up and jump into my arms forever. I promise we’ll still go on the coffee shop and dinner dates that you love so much. Please know that even when I have to take care of your baby brother, I’ll still make time for you and I’ll never love you any less.

I feel like there are so many other things I want to tell you, but for now I’ll share a few of my favorite photos of you over the last few months. I promise to write you again soon, my sweet girl.

Happy Halloween!

Happy birthday, Hanky!

I love you.

Pumpkin princess

No matter how big you get, you’ll always be my baby.

I love you,

Mama

I wub you

So January 8, 2018 is going down as the best day in history. Kaya looked me straight in the eyes and said “I wub you.” Then, I leaped over and almost smothered her with hugs while saying I LOVE YOU TOO MORE THAN THE WHOLE WORLD.

It was the first time she’s ever said I love you to me. She’s said “love you” a few times, but never on her own like this. She usually says “I miss you whole world” instead. My heart has officially melted. It was the best feeling. This is true love, man.

On another note, here is a photo of her saying goodbye to me this morning while eating a banana:

Missing you

Kaya June,

I’m above the clouds right now, baby girl. I’m DC-bound for that dreaded work trip, I told you about. It’s only three nights, but it seems like a lifetime. I miss you, Bug. 

I’ve known this trip was coming since I went back to work a few months ago, but I was hoping it would never get here. Last night, after I tucked you in for the last time for a few nights, I wondered if I could stop morning from coming if I didn’t go to bed. I wondered if there was a way I could somehow get out of this trip. But here we are: thousands of miles apart already; me in the sky and you on the ground. 

This morning was hard. I think it might have been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving you. You had a rough night: did you know I needed extra excuses to snuggle you all night long? I couldn’t keep my arms from hugging you over and over again today. Gosh, I love you so much. I sat in your room, holding you and telling you the plan for the week, reminding you that it will be Daddy that tucks you in at night and gives you milk and back rubs when you wake. I let you know that I will miss you so much and love you more than anything, even though I won’t be there with you for a few days. I told you that we’d see each other in pictures and on FaceTime. I begged for you not to forget me and asked you not to grow up too fast while I was away. I pleaded for you to keep on loving me as I’ll keep loving you. You looked up at me and touched my tears. I love you so much, baby girl.

I drove to the airport with blurry eyes. I wished I’d worn my other sunglasses that would have better trapped my tears from streaming down my face onto your sleeping head as I said goodbye. I’m glad you were sleeping. I don’t think my heart could handle it if I had to look in your eyes, then walk away. I whispered that I love you more than you’ll ever know and that I wished I didn’t have to go. I held your hand and kissed it before I closed the door.  Your dad held me for a few minutes while I cried. Then he kissed me and I walked away, stopping only briefly to wave at the car as it drove away. I wanted to run after it. I wanted to give you one more kiss. I wanted to go home. Instead, I cried. I cried as I checked my bag. I cried as I sat in the bathroom stall, trying to get myself together. And I’m crying again as I write this, only sort of caring that the man next to me, the one loudly crunching his peanuts, might hear my sniffles.

I keep telling myself that it’s only a few days. I’ll be able to have some alone time. I’ll have time to explore a place I haven’t been before. I’ll be very busy, which will make me tired and help keep me distracted. I’ll get to sleep for more than a few hours at a time… But you know what, babe? I’d give away my freedom and my sleep in a heartbeat to get to tuck you in at night and kiss your forehead every morning. I will enjoy my trip, but I will not enjoy being away from you. I want you to have fun with your dad and your grandma and your nana this week. I want you to bond with Daddy and I’m happy he gets to experience how amazing it feels to feed your sleepy self when you wake at night (though I’m sure he’d appreciate it if you didn’t wake up too many times.) I can’t wait to see pictures of all your adventures. I’ll be landing in a few hours and I’ll be sure to call you. I’m excited to hear your voice. Please know that if I cry, it’s only because I miss you and wish I could kiss and squeeze you.

I’ve said it before, my little one, but I truly didn’t know what love was until I met you. You are the love of my life, sweet girl.

-Mama

Mom

It’s Mother’s Day and even though I celebrated with my mom yesterday, I’m still thinking about her and mentally celebrating her today. My mom and I did not get along when I was growing up (and that’s putting it nicely). I suppose it’s a combination of seeing things differently, being a lot alike, and a whole lot of stubbornness (and maybe one of us was an extra feisty and opinionated teenager). Growing up, I always knew I was loved. Sure, I found my mom’s rules annoying and ludicrous, and there were times when I literally believed my mom was psychotic, but I knew that she really did care about me. I remember being envious of my friends’ relationships with their moms. I didn’t agree with almost anything my mom said or did in my junior high through high school years. In all honesty, I can’t say I agree with everything now either, but what I do know is that everything she did, and everything she does, was because she loved me.

After I moved out of my parents’ home, things between my mom and I got a little better; a classic case of absence making the heart grow fonder if you will. As I grew older (and wiser!), we started hanging out more. We went shopping, to lunch, and just seemed to develop a slightly deeper connection. My pregnancy took our relationship to another level. While she’s always been rather opinionated and promptly provides advice whether you ask for it or not, I found myself really listening to her more and even finding value in what she was saying. Though we’ll never agree on anywhere close to everything, I have a newfound respect for her opinions; after all, she did raise two pretty awesome kids. ;)

Now that I have a daughter of my own, I get it. I get that you’ll do anything for your child and love them no matter what. Seeing my mom as a grandma is seeing real love. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to poke my head into the past and see what it must’ve looked like when she cared for me as a baby. If you’d asked me a few years ago if I’d let my mom take care of my daughter during the day, I would’ve questioned your sanity and whether you should be allowed to freely roam the streets. Now, I couldn’t ask for a better person to help raise my baby. My mom is devoted, loving, and dedicated. There are two memories I will always remember: I will never forget the look of shock and pure joy when we told my mom she was going to be a grandma and I’ll never forget the elation, pride and love I saw in her when she held my baby girl for the first time. Despite the obstacles we’ve battled and those that are sure to come, I’m proud to call her mom. And I really, truly love her.

Christmas 2012

Thanksgiving 2015