This pregnancy has been extremely hard on me emotionally. It seems like with every bit of good news, there’s more difficult news. After four long weeks, I finally had my cervical checkup. Last week we got the amazing news that my cervix has lengthened from 2.3 to 2.8! Still not at the magical 3, my doctor wants to see, but thankfully it’s not getting worse. As of now, I’m supposed to be laying or sitting down after work and taking it easy with limited activities on weekends. This mild bed rest makes me feel so guilty and anxious. I hate not being able to do all of the fun stuff with Kaya I’m used to and not being able to prep the nursery, help with our office remodel, or do more basic tasks around the house makes me feel like going insane.
Baby Boy: 22 weeks, 4 days
During the ultrasound, a cyst was discovered on our little kern’s brain. It’s called a choroid plexus cyst and while not super common, it’s typically something that goes away on its own and doesn’t cause any problems. Of course, my mind went to the worst place possible and the color drained from Josh’s face as he feared it was a tumor like he had five years ago. Our doctor let us know that when paired with other soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities, this cyst can be a marker for Trisomy 18. I passed my genetic tests and our baby is developing normally, which means this is not considered a marker at all. Despite that, I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed crying. We considered having additional non-invasive prenatal testing done, but after talking to my new doctor at my checkup the following day, I decided against it as it would basically be telling us what we already know; the likelihood of our boy having a chromosomal issue is pretty slim. Talking to my doctor made me feel a lot better. He told me that additional testing was unnecessary and that both of his kids had these cysts and turned out just fine. While I’m still uneasy, that helped. I let him know that I’m a chronic worrier and he told me about the itty bitty shitty committee, the tiny, but powerful part of your brain that immediately fills your mind doubt and fear and worst-case scenarios. He told me to tell it to shut up and enjoy my pregnancy (and life). And you know what? He’s totally right. I’ve been struggling to really enjoy this pregnancy because I’ve been consumed by fear and guilt and that’s not a good or healthy way to live.
I got home from work a little early yesterday and decided to go through some files to prep for the new office. It was kind of cramped in the closet, but I was sitting and not doing any lifting so I gave myself permission to be productive. Sitting around not doing much has made me feel like I’m going insane so I allow myself to do little tasks that require little physical effort on occasion. After that, I laid down in my bed for a while before going to pick up Kaya. From that point on, something just didn’t feel right. My uterus felt very heavy and I felt an unusual amount of pressure in my vaginal/lower abdominal area. I did my best to stay off my feet, which is hard to do with Kaya running around demanding things, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t as it should be. Josh was working on demoing what will become our new office and I asked him to come inside early because I needed to lay down. I told him something wasn’t right and that I was considering going to the hospital. By 7:15, I’d decided the best thing I could do was to go to triage and get this checked out even if it meant forfeiting my nightly routine with Kaya. I just didn’t feel comfortable walking around, bending, or sitting on the floor. I kissed her goodbye and headed to the hospital.
It was a long night. I spent a little over five hours laying in a hospital bed listening to other women in moaning and breathing through active labor. I felt silly for being there because other than pressure, I didn’t have any other symptoms, like bleeding or discharge. I was ready to chalk this up to me being overly sensitive and paranoid and was starting to mentally kick myself for choosing to spend half the night here for what was probably nothing. But, turns out I was having contractions. Light ones, that I really couldn’t feel much, but contractions nonetheless. Thankfully, my cervix remains closed and my cerclage is still tight. I was tested for a protein that shows up when you’re going to deliver within a week (which is insane that a test for that exists!) and that test eventually came back negative. I was given nifedipine to stop the contractions and was told that if the medicine didn’t work, that I was in preterm labor. I was scared and, of course, my phone died a few hours into my stay so I couldn’t talk to Josh about anything, so on top of that I felt alone. On the bright side, the kern was the most active I’ve ever felt him. Nurses kept coming in to fix the monitor because he was flipping and punching all over the place, which also kept throwing off the contractions monitor. I loved feeling him move around and hearing his heartbeat. He felt really low, which likely contributed to some of the pressure I was feeling and sometimes it felt like he was trying to punch right through my cerclage. The nurse couldn’t feel his head through my cervix and I didn’t appear to have any bulging waters so that was a relief. As worrisome as this experience was, I tried to soak in the little alone time I got to have with my super active and tiny son.
My contractions eventually stopped and I was finally discharged around 12:30AM. I was hungry and tired and pretty much collapsed into bed when I got home. As of this morning, my uterus still feels heavy and I still have the slight sensation that my vagina is wide open, but neither are as bad as yesterday. If my symptoms return, I’ll have to go in to see my OBGYN. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be a reason for why this happened. Hopefully, it doesn’t turn out to be a pattern as that will likely lead to permanent, full bed rest. So today, I’m taking it easy, working from my bed, and trying to relax. I’m going to try really hard to force myself to do as little as possible. I don’t want to risk this pregnancy or losing even more time with Kaya.
All of this, the post-cerclage problems, the cyst, the contractions, the increased fear… this has made me come to the realization that this little guy will be my last baby. A few months before I got pregnant, I started dreaming of having three kids. I wasn’t ready for this to be my last pregnancy and I don’t think I am now either. The stress and pain and the feeling that I’m in some way abandoning Kaya are taking their toll on me and I’m afraid it will only get worse. I’m not shutting the door just yet, but I have a strong sense that our family will be perfectly complete as a family of 5 (can’t forget Hank). I don’t know that my body or my mind will be able to do this again. Sometimes I find myself struggling to get too excited because I’m scared of what I might lose.
With all that being said, I’m really trying to remain positive about this pregnancy. I’m trying to internalize all of the good things, like this little guy’s feisty kicks and how much Kaya already loves him. I’m trying to remind myself that this little guy is happy and healthy (and measuring a week ahead!). I’m trying to take more bump photos so I can have a physical reminder of how far I’ve come. I’m trying to steer my mind away from the itty bitty shitty committee and all of the things I keep worrying about that are mostly out of my control. I’m trying to ask for help more and I even hired my sister to come over a few times to help with cleaning and will definitely be recruiting for more help as time goes on.
21 weeks, 4 days
22 weeks, 4 days
Josh and I have been having late-night dinners together, just the two of us, at least four times a week. He usually makes it (this will be the only time I say thank you bed rest) and we have no phones or Netflix. Just us sitting together talking about life. It’s been refreshing. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s the strongest person I know.
So that’s that. I keep telling the kern to stay in there for a few more months and hope he somehow knows how much he is already loved. I can’t believe that I’ll be holding him in a little over 16 weeks (or sooner, but hopefully not that much sooner). Today, I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It seems like I’ve barely crossed the halfway point, but I feel really lucky to be here. As much as modern medicine can be infuriating and scary (I feel like I know too much and it drives me bat shit), I would likely not have Kaya and definitely wouldn’t have the kern without it.
I love you, Josh. I love you, Kaya. I love you, Kern. I love you, Hank. Thank you for being the best family I could ever ask for.
The best.
Journey to a Little One 