Cerclage #2

I’ve come on here several times in the last two months to start writing, but then I get overwhelmed because SO MUCH has happened and I never seem to have enough time to write everything down. Then, I start feeling guilty because I wrote so often when I was pregnant with Kaya, but I’m exhausted and just trying to savor every moment.

But here we go:

At 11 weeks, I SWEAR I felt the kern move. It was so faint, but it didn’t feel like “pre-farts” (as Josh would call them -__-) or hunger rumblings. On June 8th, at just under 14 weeks, I FOR SURE felt this little person move. Feeling those little flutters makes me woozy with love and hope. By June 25th, just a few weeks later, I could feel movement throughout the day. Lots of gentle thudding and what feels like little flips when I laid down in the afternoon. Those little kicks made me feel like THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I’m going to be a mom again!

So far this pregnancy has been pretty similar symptoms-wise with the exception of feeling so much more tired, probably because instead of napping after work, I spend my time hanging out with a very talkative two-and-a-half year old. :) I also have felt a lot more anxiety and worry about my cervix. Since I found out about this pregnancy so early on and knew that I would have to have a cervical cerclage again, I felt like it took forever for my surgery date to arrive, even though it was three weeks earlier than when I had it with Kaya. I was relieved to have it early this time, but still bummed that I had to wait until I was 13 weeks when the pregnancy was “viable.” I’ve said it before, but I hate how cold the medical world can be sometimes.

On the morning of June 5th, I went in for my cerclage. Kaya and Josh went with me, but couldn’t go into the waiting room so it was a quick goodbye. I was so bummed that we were so rushed and and I didn’t have the company and long goodbye I wanted. I was stuck in the waiting room for hours because my surgery got pushed back. Once in the operating room, everything went fast and pretty much like before. I got stabbed in the back with a huge needle and then laid there with my legs spread open while people peered around at my parts and the doctor yanked on my cervix for a half hour. At least this time I didn’t feel like I was going to slide off the table onto my head!

After the surgery, I did a lot more laying around and waiting. My pain meds wore off and I had contractions for hours. The Tylenol didn’t work. I kept trying to drink a lot of fluids so I could pee enough to go home, but the pain kept getting worse. My mom and sister alternated coming in to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Finally, I got the nurse to give me more Indocin, which is what I’d wanted from the beginning. The cramps stopped almost immediately. They took out my catheter and I barely even felt it! I remember it being so gross and scary last time so this was a huge relief. I tried going to the bathroom for the first time around 4:30PM and I peeded A LOT. The nurses even bragged about it because no one is usually that successful on their first try. I couldn’t stop smiling like a complete weirdo. They measured to make sure I’d emptied my bladder and told me there was still pee in there so I’d have to try again. I was so irritated. About a half an hour later, my nurse came back and said she could take the best out of the three tests, so I could go home after all! WOOHOO! My mom pulled the car around while I was wheeled out to the car. I was so excited to see Kaya!

June 19, 2018 – 15 weeks, 3 days

June 26, 2018 – 16 weeks, 3 days

July 19, 2018 – 19 weeks, 5 days

I didn’t take my first bump photo until I was 15 weeks. I felt like I started showing so much earlier and since I was 15 pounds heavier when I got pregnant this time, I just felt chunky. My bump is definitely a baby bump now!

Kaya nervously hugged me when I got home. I’ll never forget how we clung to each other for that little moment. We talked for weeks about how I had an owie so I had to go to the doctor and how it was healing. She still tells me to “be careful of your body” and how she takes care of people. She is the sweetest girl. The night of my cerclage we got some scary news about Josh’s grandpa, which luckily turned out to not be as bad as we thought, and Kaya got sick. I wasn’t supposed to lift her and for a week I needed to be laying down in bed or on the couch, but I still rocked her to sleep when she woke up screaming because she wanted me and didn’t feel good. My contractions returned the next day and I wasn’t given Indocin like I was the first time because my doctor said I wouldn’t have an issues since they put in the cerclage so early. By that night, my pain had gotten worse and after three hours of trying to get a hold of the doctor, I got through and was allowed to take ibuprofen (which is basically the same as Indocin). It helped immensely and I could finally sleep. I was pretty upset that the doctor seemed kind of irritated because I was in pain. She said my body must just be really sensitive. I wanted to yell that I birthed a 10-pound baby and my tolerance is pretty damn high, but I didn’t.

The worst part about the whole experience is not being able to full commit yourself to helping your child; it’s the hardest thing. I still feel inadequate and guilty and angry about it. I had to send Kaya to my mom’s that day even though she had a low-grade fever. All I wanted to do is hold and snuggle her. She ended up having a fever off and on for a few days and I’m so thankful that she is still such a trooper when she’s sick. We spent a lot of time on the couch reading books and she definitely got a little more iPad and TV time than she normally would. Even though I couldn’t chase her around or have dance parties or lift her up, I enjoyed our little moments together and loved the extra snuggling time. After a week of full bed rest, I gradually started being able to move around a little more and after three weeks, I was able to go back to normal activity. Kaya and I were both pretty excited that I could lift her again and I was happy to be able to go back to our regular bedtime routines (I loved that Josh got to spend more time with Kaya, but I missed tucking her into bed at night!) and comfortably pick up things around the house again. I’d been really sad that I had to cancel my girl’s trip to see friends with Kaya, but I was so excited that we didn’t have to call off our family trip to Oregon. It was so much fun and I need to remember to jot down that whole experience soon!

My one-week follow up appointment with my Dr. Stanco went well and I was looking forward to my next appointment four weeks later because we were finding out the sex! AHH! At this appointment, we also found out some bad, scary, sad, and not-so-great news. Since my cerclage five weeks before, my cervix went from 3.4 to 2.3. This is not great. I’m back to mild duty activities again and Kaya never stops asking “why you can’t lift me anymore?” It’s really awful. One time when she was trying to get out of her car seat by herself she said “I’m really frustrated because you can’t lift me.” I’m still amazed at how incredible her language skills are, but this really broke my heart. I keep assuring her that someday soon I’ll be dancing and swinging her around again. I hate that I can’t do those things now. My next appointment is scheduled for August 8th. It seems like a lifetime away. If my cervix has continued to shorten, I’ll be put on permanent bed rest, likely until I go into labor. That would be truly horrible. I tried to get my appointment moved up, but was assured that if my cervix shortens, it would be so slowly that going in early really wont help. After our appointment, Josh and I went to lunch. I kept trying to be excited and happy about our gender reveal, but I was really sad and kind of afraid to get excited. The doctor said “you could still lose this pregnancy” and those words still stab at my heart everyday. I can’t imagine that. Now, I feel like I’m in this weird place where I finally have the energy to do things, but I can’t. I let myself do minimal things on weekends, but try to take it easy the rest of the week after work as the doctor advised. It’s a constant struggle between trying to feel normal and not overdoing it because I’m petrified of miscarrying.

This little one’s kicks are getting bigger and every time I feel them, I feel a sense of relief. But with that relief also comes a little pang of sadness because I can’t imagine not making it to the point where I can hold this happy, healthy baby in my arms in December. I try not to focus on the bad stuff, the worst case scenarios, the negatives, but sometimes I can’t stop my mind from going there. Josh reminded me that my cervix is now only .1mm shorter than when I got my cerclage with Kaya at 16 weeks. I’m clinging to the hope that this is just where my cervix wants to stay during pregnancies and that it wont get any shorter. I cannot imagine being stuck in a bed for 20 weeks. I feel like I miss out on so much coming to work five days a week already.

One thing that helps is looking over at Josh each night as we both go, “HOLY CRAP WE ARE DOING THIS AGAIN!” The best thing is looking at this sweet, spunky, and beautiful little girl we’ve raised and watching her dream about being a big sister.

“I’m cuddling you’re baby”

July 14, 2018 – Baby Snuggles

She loves coming over to give kisses and cuddles.

Today marks 20 weeks, 2 days; the halfway point at last! Fingers crossed that this little babe stays in here for many more months and keeps getting stronger.

The Kern

Is time going really fast or really slow? I can’t tell. So much has happened this last month! First things first, we have an official due date: December 8th! So close, yet so far.

I had a pretty big scare at the beginning of the month. I’ve started taking off random days here and there to try to help me feel less burnt out at work and to enjoy some extra time with Kaya. After a relaxed day and dinner in the backyard just the two of us, I noticed some spotting. It was dark red and I kept noticing bright red when I wiped. I know spotting can be normal, but after the chemical pregnancy in January, I was so scared. I tried to hold it together for Kaya, but ended up sobbing in my bed when Josh came home. I called the nurse line and they told me to monitor it to see if it got worse or I felt any cramping. I kept thinking about how I was losing my baby. I hated thinking so negatively, but that’s all that kept replaying in my head. Somehow, there was appointment open the next day with my favorite nurse practitioner. I didn’t sleep much that night.

The next day, I took Kaya to my mom’s and Josh went golfing. I wanted so badly for him to come with me, but I didn’t ask. I don’t know why. Maybe because I felt like there was nothing he could do? And I guess I felt like I needed to this myself. That’s one thing I really need to work on; admitting I need help and asking for it. It was hard being there alone. I blinked back tears and felt myself shaking as I waited for the ultrasound. And then, magically, my baby with a beating heart appeared on the screen. I couldn’t believe it. I sat there shaking and just kept repeating “I’m so relieved.” My NP gave me a huge hug and I sat there for awhile after she left just staring at the picture. Josh and I both teared up as we talked on the phone about how thankful and grateful and happy we were. We’ve really grown attached to this little thing. So although the cause of the bleeding isn’t 100% certain, it was likely due to sex. Which makes me feel awkward and guilty and uncomfortable. So now, on top of feeling queasy, I feel nervous about having sex. Sorry, Josh!

My “first” prenatal appointment (weird since at this point, I’d already been seen three times) was scheduled for the following Monday, but was cancelled. Even though I’d just had an ultrasound, I was so looking forward to this appointment. The next appointment available with our doctor wasn’t for weeks and I was eager to get the ball rolling so I could schedule my cerclage. Luckily, I was able to make an appointment the next day at an office a half an hour away. Not complaining about a little extra time off work! We showed up and got to see our sweet baby moving around again. They let us take a video, too! It’s so awesome seeing Josh get excited and emotional about seeing his baby on that screen.

And with that, I’m happy to introduce: The Kern!

I love you so much already, little kern. (9 weeks, 3 days)

We found out about I was pregnant so early this time around, when our baby was just the size of a popcorn kernel (thus the brilliant name Josh came up with yet again). It’s still so incredible to me that this tiny little human is inside of me wiggling around. We’ve talked so much about what we think we might have. We think the kernel sounds very masculine, but could also be a bad ass woman. Hah.

Can’t wait to meet you in person, little one!

7 weeks? 6? 5?

Well, good news! My appointment last week went well! Not as expected, but good! Short version: I have no idea how far along I am. I can narrow it down to a few possibilities (thank you convenient and semi-creepy tracker app!), but next week we’ll hopefully get a little more clarification.

So here’s the longer story: Since my last post, I got my results back from my second blood test. Numbers doubled, woohoo! Such a relief. The nurse who called with my results said that Thursday (I’d thought it was Friday this whole time so I’m so glad she called) was too early to come in. I told her my nurse practitioner had setup that appointment so I wanted to stick with it. She told me that it would be too early to see anything other than that “something” was in my uterus. I kind of put my foot down (I think I just really wanted to go in and see a full-term baby on the ultrasound or something) and she said she’d check in with my NP and get back to me. She called me back pretty quickly and said that it was early and it was recommended that I wait a few days so we’d have better luck seeing something on the ultrasound. I talked to the scheduler and my NP was out for two weeks and my doctor is apparently not taking early-pregnancy consults anymore. And so…we went to our appointment as planned since I couldn’t stand waiting so long.

I’d taken the day off to hang out with Kaya and felt a little guilty taking her to my appointment and cutting into our girl time. I was nervous that she might say something to my mom or mother-in-law about me at the doctor’s office, too! We walked in our room and she was very interested. Josh tried so hard to distract her the whole time with stuff on his phone, but she was fascinated by the doctor and watching me lay down in the dark on the bed.

Anyway, I laid sprawled out on the bed with Kaya gawking at me while the nurse got the ultrasound going. As predicted, we couldn’t see much, but it was something! A tiny yolk sac! It looked like a little bubble on the screen. The nurse said that this was exactly what she expected to see and that I was definitely less than six weeks pregnant. She said everything was on track and on Monday I’ll be going in to see the progress again! I hate this term, but once we have evidence that the pregnancy is “viable,” I’ll be able to make an appointment with Dr. Stanco who will eventually do my cerclage again. I’m bummed that I won’t be able to see my NP for the appointment next week. She said she didn’t want to make me wait two weeks and I’m really thankful for that. The doctor I’m seeing doesn’t have the best reviews. To be honest, I’ve only heard a few negative things which I’m sure many/most doctors have, but it kind of bugs and worries me anyway.

According to my last period, I’m supposed to be seven weeks and four days pregnant today. Based on other, umm, possible conception dates, I can only be a week or two less than that. I’m pretty certain I’m six weeks at this point. At my appointment last week, my NP drew the tiniest line to show me how big the sac was. Just a few millimeters! By my appointment next week, it should be around 25! Crazy how fast things grow and progress. So it looks like we’ll be having a December baby! And we have a name and it’s hilarious and it makes me laugh every time…. the kernel. Hah, because that’s about how big this little thing is right now. Josh made that up just like “the blueb” and I love it. I also have to mention that it sounds very male or like an extremely badass woman. Why do I think this way? Anyway, just have to wait another 10ish weeks to find out! Eek!

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I feel kind of ehh. I was pretty tired the last week or so, but I’m feeling more energized now. I got some kind of food poisoning late Sunday and basically crapped my guts out for a day. (Wow, that’s gross and weirdly detailed for such a short sentence.) I’m feeling better now, but I’m still nauseous. I’m thinking that this might be my new state of being. Makes me feel like I’m really pregnant though. I remembered feeling nauseous with Kaya, but not like this. I went back to when I started this blog and got lost reading everything I wrote about my early days being pregnant with Kaya. So cool to read and so informative! I forgot I actually took Unisom for awhile to help with nausea. I hate taking medicine, but if this gets worse, it might be in the cards for me again.

I’ve always been feeling a pressure and some mild period-like cramps for the last two weeks. I’m really worried every time I feel them. I didn’t remember feeling this with Kaya, but looking back I guess I did for a little then, too. I just get so nervous after the chemical pregnancy last month.

But things are looking good! I let myself look at the stuff I put on my checklist registries and let myself dream and feel excited. I look forward to telling our families. And I cannot wait to tell Kaya. It’s going to be so special.

I’m pregnant!

HOLY CRAP I’M PREGNANT. So here we go again. After last month, I was hesitant to start trying again. I tracked my period on my app, but I left my ovulation tests in the medicine cabinet because I didn’t feel ready. We still did “it” when my app said I’d be ovulating, but I didn’t really think much of it and kind of assumed it wasn’t going to be accurate or really happen after my period being thrown off the month before. I started peeing on pregnancy test strips a few days before and after my missed period and kept getting negatives. A week ago Sunday, I got my first positive. It was super faint and the next day’s was even fainter. I didn’t get my hopes up. In fact, I thought I was having another chemical pregnancy. The following day, I got a darker line. My hopes skyrocketed. Darker lines followed. My eyes weren’t seeing things. I couldn’t deny it. This was real! I emailed my doctor and told her about the tests and my nerves after last month. She told me to come in that day for a blood test and another one on Saturday. She scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound for this Friday. Up until that day, I hadn’t told Josh. I was nervous and cautious. He’s very practical and methodical and he’d cautioned me about testing early before. To be clear, he’s always supportive and has my best interest in mind, but I didn’t want to feel disappointed. But now I needed to tell him. All those dark lines and now these appointments made this feel too real. I followed him into the bedroom that afternoon and told him. It wasn’t eloquent or cutely planned like before. In hindsight, me blurting out “I have to tell you something… I’m officially knocked up” is kind of funny. He was shocked and excited and his eyes got watery, just like they did when I told him I was pregnant with Kaya.

I went in for a blood test that day and my numbers were right where they’re supposed to be. I haven’t gotten my results back from Saturday yet, but I feel like I’ll finally be able to breathe if they come back okay. This weekend was so busy with too many activities and Easter egg hunts, but it was a great distraction. Josh told me he notices pregnant women everywhere now. I can’t wait to tell Kaya. She’s going to be such a caring big sister.

I feel like I’m hyper-aware of my body lately. I swear I can feel movement. Not from the actual baby, of course, but maybe my uterus expanding? Something is definitely going on in there and I’m telling myself it’s not just gas. My acid reflux came back a few days ago. Hoping it’s just from pigging out on too much food all weekend, but I have a feeling it’s going to stick around all pregnancy again. And I’ve been SO thirsty lately. I don’t remember that being a pregnancy symptom, but I haven’t been great about drinking water in a long time so I suppose it’s a blessing in disguise.

Based on my last period, I’m guessing my due date will be November 25th. Just over two weeks past Kaya’s third birthday and two days after my mom’s. I’ve heard so many people say they can tell what gender they’re having, but I’m certain that even when I’m further along, I’ll have no freaking clue. I think it would be awesome to have another girl. We kind of know what we’re doing with Kaya and we’ll have no shortage of clothes. I always thought I’d be a boy mom so I’d be thrilled with a boy, too. And maybe there would be less comparison and conflict? Or maybe just a different kind? I don’t know. Regardless, I think their age gap will be perfect.

Ahh! My brain has been going crazy with dreaming and planning and just feeling so dang excited. I keep telling myself it’s early. I’m only 6 weeks. Maybe I should be more cautious with my feelings. But I can’t help it and you know what? As I write this, I’m deciding that I’m going to let myself feel the way I feel. Not hold back out of fear of what could or may or won’t happen. Not feel superstitious. Let myself be happy. Because that’s what I am. So incredibly happy and thankful.

Love

My sweet Kaya June,

You’re the sweetest girl I know. I love the way you say “otay” and “oh thanks.” I love how you crouch down and peer into my eyes when you talk to me. I love how you pat me on the back. I love how you want me to hold your hand for “just onnnnne minute” when I put you in bed. I love it when you race down the hall and jump into my arms in the morning and when I pick you up at Grandma’s. I love when you share your blueberry bars with me. I love when you ask “Mama, tiss it?” when you get an owie.

You are so thoughtful and smart. A few days ago you told me to “look up, see tree” instead of watching you eat mac and cheese on our front steps. I can’t stop watching you, but I love that you remind to watch our beautiful world. I hope I can learn to see the world with wonder like you. I love when you squeal and shout “get out my face!” when the wind blows your hair into your eyes.

Is it possible to love someone with your whole body and soul? Absolutely. That’s how I love you.

You look just like your Daddy, but you’re Mama’s girl. 

I love the way you think. I love how you’re already planning your birthday party with your purple birthday cake just like mom’s that’s “coming up soon” even though it’s eight months away.

Last week you told me that you were going to Seaworld with Mikaila, your teacher at church. You named the friends who would be going with you and said I couldn’t go. It made me a little sad, but also proud. One day you will adventure into the world without me and I’m glad you’re excited about it.

I asked you who your best friend was and you said “Mama.” Can you feel that way forever, please? You’re my best friend in the whole world.

I love our coffee dates and our Target trips. I love that you never ask to try my drink, but tell me “someday Taya do that.” I love how you put your hands on your hips when you make demands. I love how you like to organize. I love watching your focused eyes and stance when you draw pictures. I love when you wrap up little objects like crayons in your drawings and give them to me as “speeeeecial presents.”

I love that you’re proud of things you do. I love that you’re a little shy, but also brave. I love when you tell me about your day and things you want to do.

I love that you can count to ten and sing songs. I love that you listen so well. I love the way you run “really fast, Mom!” I love how you jump when you dance.

Last week when you couldn’t sleep, I rocked you in my arms in the dark of your room. We stared into each other’s eyes and didn’t say a word. I’ve never felt so connected to someone. I think that was the most special moment in my world, almost like we were one.

Kaya June, you’re my favorite and I wuve you more than you’ll ever know.

– Mama

A chemical pregnancy

It always amazes me how supportive this community can be, even for a tiny diary of a blog like mine. I had an OBGYN triage doctor call me yesterday that confirmed that my situation, for a lack of a better term, was a chemical pregnancy. That term makes me cringe. I don’t know why. I guess because this doctor was specifically an OGBYN, she was more sympathetic than the E.R. doctor over the weekend who literally walked into the room and was like “SO YOU’RE NOT EVEN PREGNANT AT ALL.” She told me that they don’t consider this a miscarriage or a pregnancy. In reality, that’s a good thing, but it makes me feel like I’m in this strange place where this event only counts in my head. Like this experience never happened. Like my potential baby never existed. And just writing that last sentence fragment makes me feel really sad.

People so kindly shared their stories and wrote to me telling me to give myself time to grieve after my last post. And thank you to you all, I’m trying. But it feels foreign and almost unnecessary since the medical world tells me it was anything at all. Trying to help, Josh told me that next time I should consider not testing so early, but I know that my crazy self will. Because I need to know. Maybe not knowing would be less painful, but it somehow I feel like this deserves to be unforgotten. This experience has been so hard. There’s a definitive answer now, but it’s not one that makes sense to me, and certainly not one I like.

Some part of me really felt pregnant, even at just a few weeks. It’s confusing for me to not feel that way anymore. Even with the little things; like, I swore I was going to try to give up almost all coffee like I did with Kaya when I found out I was pregnant. And now after this, I feel guilty about drinking it. And I don’t even really enjoy it. I guess that’s kind of silly, really.

I keep seeing baby things and want to bookmark them to remember, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I think part of me blames myself for getting excited and “prepared” so early. Like somehow if I hadn’t started a registry to track what I’ll need or began thinking about turning the office into a nursery or didn’t talked to two people about trying, then maybe this wouldn’t have happen. I always say I’m not superstitious, but I guess I kind of am.

All of this seems confusing and sad and irritating and well, dumb. And on top of it, I’ve been realizing how I just need to slow down, deal with my feelings, and enjoy my life. I’m always planning and rushing and thinking of what’s next. I always talk about how I want to spend more time with Kaya, but really, I need to be fully there when I’m with her, not thinking of what I need to do or scrolling through my phone or planning the next whatever.

I’m going to start trying to enjoy the moment. And even when some of my moments are shitty, there is so much I do love about my life.

The Cassels, December 2017

At a loss

Is it possible to grieve something that never existed? On Valentine’s Day I took a pregnancy test and saw a faint line. Not believing myself, I sprinted to the nearest liquor store (struck out and went to another) to buy two more tests. One looked negative and the other faintly positive like the original. I chalked it up to being the 7-11 brand and called Josh who was on a man trip in Canada. I was nervous and uncertain and surprised as I told him about the faint lines. I remember him saying “wow” and “that was fast” and “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I told him they were faint so I didn’t feel positive and that I’d check again the next day. Another faint positive and a “not pregnant” on the digital one. I called Josh again and told him “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.” We were excited and still so surprised. Another “not pregnant” the next day, but those positives were getting me excited and I know the digital ones aren’t as sensitive. I made an appointment with my doctor for mid-March. I sent pictures of the tests for interpretation to my best friend. I got my hopes up.

I made plans in my head about my coming pregnancy, fantasized about the gender, fiddled around with my dream registry, and wondered what it would be like to have two kids. Josh came home from his trip Saturday night and it was so good to have him home! I missed him and felt extra close to him because of “the news,” as he referred to it. We talked about how weird the timing was since it was the first real “try” since stopping birth control and this was almost the exact same time we got pregnant with Kaya three years ago.

On Sunday morning, I started bleeding. It was brownish and pink and I cried in the shower with Kaya on the other side of the curtain. Josh was napping since he’d gotten up early with Kaya, but I woke him up and he snuggled me and told me it was okay while I sobbed. I called the nurse’s line and they told me to go to the E.R. if it got worse and to wait it out if it stayed the same. It turned dark red and increased. I hate leaving Kaya on the weekends because I feel like I hardly see her during the week, but I was scared and although I was certain it was the worst, I needed answers. I drove to the hospital and went to triage, the same place I went the night I checked into the hospital when I went into labor with Kaya. I guess I forgot that triage was for when you’re much father along so after they told me I was in the wrong place, they had me wait for a wheelchair to take me to the emergency room. Forty minutes went by and the wheelchair never came. I ended up driving myself to the other building and was hit with another smack in the face as I entered the same E.R. that Josh and I took an ambulance to after he collapsed in our kitchen a few years ago. That day changed our lives and I hadn’t been back to that hospital since. I waited alone in my room for three hours since I wasn’t a priority. The blood tests came back and turns out I’m not pregnant, and likely never was.

The doctor and nurse were surprised and couldn’t explain why I had multiple positive tests, no matter how faint. Different brands, different days, with those same faint lines. I left feeling heartbroken. I guess I expected to hear I was having a miscarriage, which would have been worse, but to feel like I made it all up in my head was also pretty awful. And beyond my mind, I feel like my body feels different. Like even though I wasn’t certain, part of me convinced my body I was pregnant for those few days. It doesn’t feel like a normal period to me, but my “feelings” can’t be stronger than the blood test. My nurse told me to listen to my body and that it doesn’t hurt to take another test this week, but I feel this odd sense of shame that I can’t explain. I feel like I made up the lines I saw and the changes in my body. I feel embarrassed. Josh has been great, but I know he’s a little disappointed and I hate that its because of me. It just felt so real and the answers don’t make sense to me because they really aren’t answers at all. I guess I also didn’t really realize how much I wanted this. And worse, I feel like I’m a little scared to try again. I want to, but I feel like I can’t trust even the boldest of double lines…and worse, I don’t trust myself anymore.

I can’t really think of a positive way to leave this. I just feel deeply sad. I suppose better than Sunday, but still like a little part of me is gone. Josh said I’d probably feel this for awhile. I wish it would go away. I wish it wasn’t bothering my as much as it is. I wish I could just accept that I’m not and wasn’t pregnant and move on.

Snuggling my family a little more often these days and forever.

And now we wait

“Don’t be crazy. Don’t be crazy.” That’s what I keep repeating to myself, but GUYS I’M KIND OF BEING A LITTLE CRAZY. If my app is right (which would be impressive since my periods have always been pretty irregular), then I ovulated on Saturday. So we’ve been getting busy, to say the least. In my head, I keep telling myself that it’s going to take 4 1/2 months, since that’s how long we “tried” for Kaya, but I keep hoping that we somehow get pregnant right away. It would also be really weird because it would be almost the exact same time we got pregnant with Kaya three years ago. But who the heck knows? It could take much, much longer.

I keep telling myself to not go overboard with planning, which is totally NOT in my nature to do. I haven’t really decided what overboard is yet. Ovulation strips? Getting really into cervical mucus? (Is it bad that term still kind of weirds me out?)

Although I loved being pregnant and really look forward to hanging out with a new little person in my body again soon, I guess I’m not in a huge hurry. But know myself well enough to know that in a few weeks if I don’t see those two little lines pop up, I’ll be pretty bummed.

Whew, that was a lot of frantic rambling. On another note, Kaya is getting SO big. I swear she’s 10 feet tall now. She talks nonstop and everything she says makes me smile. Sometimes I just stare at her. I really didn’t know you could love someone with your whole self.

I think I only shared one of our newborn photos here. Weird. I keep staring at these pictures of this tiny little babe. I have them all over my desk. How did two years fly by so fast? This little baby to a chatty little girl full of spunk, sass, and sweet. My Kaya June, you have my whole heart.

I wub you

So January 8, 2018 is going down as the best day in history. Kaya looked me straight in the eyes and said “I wub you.” Then, I leaped over and almost smothered her with hugs while saying I LOVE YOU TOO MORE THAN THE WHOLE WORLD.

It was the first time she’s ever said I love you to me. She’s said “love you” a few times, but never on her own like this. She usually says “I miss you whole world” instead. My heart has officially melted. It was the best feeling. This is true love, man.

On another note, here is a photo of her saying goodbye to me this morning while eating a banana:

How do I share?

I’ve talked about this a lot recently: although I know I want my family to grow, I’m so scared of sharing my time, body, and love with another person. I want to so badly and I know I can do it, but man, it feels so hard and foreign and scary.

Having one kid, heck, having a dog, was a weird adjustment for Josh and me. We seemed to drift apart while also growing more connected through Kaya. I feel like this last month is the closest we’ve been in a long time. I feel happy, more so than I have in a really, really long time. I feel like I (mostly) know what I’m doing as a mom and I’ve had time (or, to give myself a little credit, made time) to put a tiny bit more effort into being a wife, something that I never wanted or intended to neglect when I had a baby.

I’m scared that Kaya will feel alone. I’m scared she’ll feel like I’m choosing a new little person over her. I wish there was a way I could explain to her that she’ll always be my baby and that I will never love her less. She will always be my world. And she will be such an amazing big sister.

I’m scared that I’ll lose Josh again, and maybe even more. I want to stay close to him and I want us to be a real team. Having a baby is hard. It’s hard for me to rely on people and even harder for me to ask for help. I experienced that when I had Kaya and I know I’ll need even more help with a second.

And of course, there’s poor Hank who has been a lot more attached to me now that I’ve been giving him some attention.

Things feel right, right now. But I feel like they could still be righter (is that a word?). It’s funny that sometimes I start to think of having another baby as more of a sacrifice than a blessing. In reality, what an amazing gift I’m giving myself, my husband, and my daughter.

It’s hard to want something so much and fear it at the same time.

I am so glad that I have Josh by my side. He calms so many of my fears and is such a good support system and father. How am I so lucky?