Carter Joshua

My son. It still feels unreal to say that. I guess it’s kind of fitting that I waited for a whole year (exactly!) to finish his birth story. I just can’t imagine life without him. All the fear and stress and nerves leading up to his entrance into our family seem silly now. This sweet, smushy, and snuggly little boy makes my life feel whole. It feels funny to write his birth story so far after it happened, but it feels like it was just last week that we met him. What a long and hard, but beautiful day. The day I met my boy, my husband’s son, my daughter’s brother. December 13, 2018 at 6:31 pm, I became a mother to the most amazing little man.

Baby boy

We got to the hospital early; me and my little earth-side family of three. Check-in was 7:30 AM and they were shockingly prompt. We walked in and in just a few minutes, I was saying goodbye to my husband and daughter at the elevator. I thought they were going to be able to stay in the room with me for a while since I was just going to be laying there. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. All these months preparing, and I was finally saying goodbye to my little girl for the last time as an only child, before she became the sweetest, most caring sister in the world. I felt alone and a little sad, but at the same time at peace and ready.

I got my first dose of medication quickly, though at the time it seemed like it took ages. Then, I waited forever; bored and itchy. We had to wait four hours until I got my second dose so that we could make sure I didn’t pass this stupid GBS to my baby. When I got my second dose, they also gave me Pitocin to try to speed up the process. I didn’t feel anything. I felt like I was just sitting around wasting time. The contraction monitor showed I was having contractions, but I didn’t feel them. I was tired of sitting and getting more and more impatient. I tried doing some weird squats on the side of the bed hoping to break my water. Josh was checking his phone constantly and working. At around 11:15 AM, my water broke on its own, but I didn’t believe it. For some reason, I just tried to convince myself I’d just peed the bed, but gradually this liquid started to flow out every few minutes or so. By 11:40 AM it was still happening, and I finally realized that my water really had broken. Funny, that I felt weird saying something at first. All these people had seen me with my legs wide open already, but I would’ve felt embarrassed if I’d just peed the bed. Despite my water breaking, I still didn’t feel like I was in labor. The doctor came in and broke my water the rest of the way. Who knew that it was possible for your water to break only partway? The little due was blocking the water above him so the nurse scooched him over and the rest came out. After that, I went from 5.5 cm to 8 cm in an hour and the contractions came on INTENSELY. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. At some point, I remember yelling at Josh that I wanted him to suffer, too, which is funny and awful. I got an epidural around 3:30 PM. I went back and forth on trying to “tough it out,” but after those contractions seemed to come in full force out of nowhere and with my “history of large babies” as doctors call it, I decided I was still tough even with drugs. The rest is a little fuzzy. Everything seemed to move so quickly and slowly at the same time.

I remember having these horribly painful contractions right when someone came in to deliver a gift that Kerri sent me. I remember Josh leaving the room for a bit and thinking I would be pushing out this baby alone. I remember being terrified of pooping on the table again. I remember feeling conflicted and worried about the possibility of suction and forceps (I got the one other doctor besides the one who delivered Kaya that actually still uses forceps!) or an emergency c-section. I remember feeling like an idiot because I forgot how to push. I remember finally feeling like I got the hang of it. And then I remember that feeling of relief when he was finally out. And that sweet cry as he took his first few breaths. Just remember those feelings and sounds makes my heart race one year later.

When they put him in my arms, my fears and pain left me. This little boy was home. Oh my God, was he perfect. All 9 pounds, 11 ounces, and 21 inches of him. His squinty little eyes which took the better part of a day to open. His little nose. His tiny cry. His clenched fists.

Apparently, I had an episiotomy. I still have mixed feelings about that. But no forceps and no suction. And only about a half hour of pushing. Thinking back on the birth experience kind of makes me feel like super woman. I don’t remember delivering the placenta, but I have a vague memory of being stitched up while all the nurses oohed and ahhed and felt shocked about the size of our little guy. We all assumed he would be bigger than Kaya so we were all surprised that he was nearly a pound smaller! Immediate recovery after birth was tough. I had a lot of bleeding after the birth, which left me feeling lightheaded and nauseous. And my feet swelled up. So those things were unfortunate and uncomfortable, but HE WAS HERE and that made everything worth it.

About an hour after he was born, Kaya got to meet her little brother. If my heart wasn’t a complete puddle before, it was fully melted at this moment. Josh brought her in, and she looked so nervous. She was wearing her big sister shirt and carrying the llama she’d picked out for him. She gently laid it on him, and I snuggled her, and she stared at this crying little blob with wonder. The rest of our family swarmed in and I can’t help but think that he felt the love in that room. Shortly after, we kicked everyone out and I nursed him for the first time at 8:15 pm. He latched easily and ate heartily, and then he slept. He slept like a dream (and of course, I didn’t because I had to keep staring at him all night). He woke up at 11:40 pm when he had his checkup and then he went back to sleep at 12:30 am and by 4:17 am (kind of laughing at how specific I noted that) he was still snoozing. I was supposed to wake up him every few hours, but I just let him keep going. I remember trying to force myself to sleep because the first night in the hospital is always the easiest, but I just ate a burrito and watched him. Haha. His little blonde hairs and scrunchy face. He was and is so damn cute.

The next day was full of check-ups, more family visits, and trying to sleep when we could. Everyone always seemed shocked that he was so big, but Josh and I always laughed because he was our “small” baby. He really did seem so bony and little even though he was almost 10 pounds. He didn’t pass his hearing test the first day, which scared us. He also spent some time in the nursery getting some tests done because his breathing was abnormally rapid, but luckily, he didn’t have to go to the NICU. Dr. Reed came and checked on him super early in the morning and I missed him, while I was trying to relax and I still feel a little guilty and bummed about that, but all is well.  Being a parent is hard because you want everything to be right for your kids and the things that are out of your control make you feel helpless.

I stayed in the hospital alone the second night. I felt abandoned. That feels kind of dramatic to write, but it’s really how I felt. Josh went home with Kaya to get her back into her routine and I was left with this small boy that I loved wholeheartedly but feel like I didn’t know. I was scared and sad and I cried. A lot. Looking back, I’m not even sure why. I guess I just didn’t feel like I was enough for him. I remember a nurse coming into the room and asking if I was alone. I had to try so hard not to burst into tears. She reminded me that if I needed to rest, I could take him to the nursery for a few hours, but the thought of leaving him, even in good hands sounded so terrible. We made it through the night and bonded. I took some cute videos of his little grunts and squeaks. I watched as the baby acne shifted around his face and chest. I saw him really open his eyes for the first time. I’ll never forget these little moments we spent together, just the two of us.

He passed his second hearing test and that was such a relief. He had a few discordant blood pressure results, which led us to an infant EKG. Josh and I took turns hanging with each kid while the test was done. We found out he had a heart murmur but are so thankful that it was already quieter by the time we were discharged and completely gone by the time we had our checkup a few days later. We were discharged that afternoon and it felt so good to be home altogether.

Going home <3

This year has gone by so fast. I can’t believe my sweet boy is one.

December 13, 2019 – Carter is ONE!

His name is Carter Joshua and one year ago he made our family complete. Happy birthday, my love, my son, my sweet baby boy.

Tomorrow

Bittersweet. Sad. Excited. Scared. Right. Wrong. Hopeful.

Tomorrow our family will welcome our newest edition. I cried as I cuddled Kaya and sang her bedtime songs. I sobbed when I left her room. Josh and I held each other and cried as we said goodbye to our life as we’ve known it for the last three years. We are so happy and ready to welcome our sweet baby boy into our family. We know giving Kaya the gift of a sibling, a best friend, is the very best thing. Still, I feel like I’m mourning the loss of our one-on-one time, our girl time, my best friend. I so look forward to the adventures to come and can’t wait for this new chapter, but part of me wants to hold onto this moment a little longer. I love that little girl of mine so very much.

To my sweet Kaya June: Please know how much you are loved. Please know that you are still the center of your dad’s and my world. I wish I could say that you’ll never feel left out or jealous. This is going to be the hardest adjustment for all of us. Please know that even when things don’t feel just right for you, that we will always be here for you and you’re always going to be our baby and our number one girl. We promise to spend time just with you. We promise to love you with our whole hearts forever and ever. You’ll continue to be so much more than a big sister. You’re our life. I love you more than the whole world.

To my sweet baby boy: Tomorrow we’ll meet face-to-face. I can’t wait to look into your eyes and kiss your chubby cheeks. I can’t wait for you to be a part of our family. You’re going to love your dad. He’s the most caring and fun guy there is. And your sweet sister Kaya can’t wait to meet you and teach you new things. She loves you so much already and can’t wait to cuddle you outside of the belly hugs she gives you every night. I, as your Mama, promise to love you unconditionally. Please know that even when I’m exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed, you will always be cared for and loved.

Tomorrow we become complete.

Kern update

Dang it. I did it again. Months without writing much down and I feel like I’m slowly forgetting everything that I wanted to remember forever. We’ve had a busy few months and are so excited for baby boy to join us.

Rest assured, I’m much larger than this now. November 5 – 35 weeks, 2 days

Today, I’m 37 weeks and 3 days. I can’t believe the end (or beginning?) is already so near! My checkups have been going well and I’m so happy I get to hear this sweet little guy’s heartbeat once a week now. Last week I got my cerclage out and it was a doozy. I forgot to take ibuprofen so that was dumb, but I’m not so sure it would have helped much anyway. I possibly almost broke Josh’s hand. Removing stitches from your cervix after they’ve been in there for about 20 weeks feels like someone is just cutting chunks off of your vagina. It’s so painful. But it’s done! Baby boy can fall out anytime now! (Although he won’t because he’s HUGE just like his big sis. Originally, my doctor said she wouldn’t let me go past 40 weeks, but yesterday, surprisingly, she said she wouldn’t let me go more than a week late. Strange. I don’t know if she forgot he was massive or just knows that I would really prefer not to be induced or have a c-section. That being said, she did schedule me to be induced on November 6th, two days before my due date, but she said it’s fine if I want to cancel it. I probably will. I am really hoping this guys decides to come on his own. End of November sounds good to me. :)

This boy would not turn around so the tech switched to 4D and got this sweet image of him. Kind of hard to see if you don’t know what you’re looking at, but I feel like this gave me a true glimpse into what he’ll really look like!

What else… Two tests prove I don’t have gestational diabetes, just really big kids! I did find out that I have GBS though. That worries me, even though the likelihood of passing it along to baby boy and him having a problem is pretty small. Just another thing to think about and stress about. I think those are the big updates! Oh, and we decided we’re not going to circumcise him. I never thought I’d be on this side of the big circumcision debate, but I am. The thought of it just sounds so barbaric and unnatural. I do sometimes worry that even though it’s becoming more and more normal (I read somewhere that it’s a 50/50 split nowadays), he will feel uncomfortable or abnormal in the locker room or among friends, but I feel confident that we’re doing the right thing. I wouldn’t ever get Kaya’s ears pierced without her informed consent, so why would I have part of my baby’s penis hacked off? No way.

We went to a wedding. I felt enormous. Pretty sure I’m 4 times bigger now. HAHAHA. :(

Lastly and on a non-peen-related note, though we’re struggling a little financially as Josh looks for a job (he has a huge and great prospect!), I decided to take the maximum disability I could before my due date. 4 weeks! I wanted to make sure I spent some quality time with Kaya and got a few big projects/goals completed before this guy makes his appearance. November 8th was my last day and I feel like I’ve been going nonstop ever since.

I got really good at taking bump photos for awhile, but since I’ve been home, I haven’t taken any. Whoops. In searching for these, I did find some super cute ones I never posted from when I was “small.” I’ll have to post them for comparison at some point. Anyway, here are the latest few!

Kaya came to work with me! September 14 – 27 weeks, 6 days

September 18 – 28 weeks, 3 days

September 24 – 29 weeks, 2 days

October 2 – 30 weeks, 3 days

October 9 – 31 weeks, 3 days

October 17 – 32 weeks, 4 days

October 22 – 33 weeks, 2 days

October 30 – 34 weeks, 3 days

I did another one of these thingys because its cool to compare them and helps me stay slightly on track:

Baby Size: Friggin’ huge. My last ultrasound was on November 5th at 35 weeks and 2 days. At that point, he was measuring 3 weeks ahead in almost all categories and weighed approximately 8 pounds and 1 once. And his head was off the charts in the 99th percentile. So basically, I’m going to have a 45 pound child. Oh, and also, he has spiky hair. :)
Weight gain: I already forgot what I weighed at my checkup yesterday, but it was somewhere around 153 pounds. Holy cow, that sounds like so much. I think I weighed around 120ish when I got pregnant so I’ve gained a little over 30 pounds. This bizarre thing is that my measurements have been about a week behind for the last few checkups even though my little man is a giant.
Maternity clothes: I  live in only maternity clothes except for my now extremely small undies and my extra large bras. Can’t wait to wear “real” clothes again so I can have slightly more variety.
Stretch marks: The same. Everywhere. Big. Deep. Blue. :(
Sleep: About a week ago I woke up only once during the night and it was glorious. Other than that, I wake up about 12 times and just flop around (with great effort) or get up to pee.
Movement: When this guys moves, he MOVES. Big ‘ol kicks and flips. I can really feel bones and butt now. I swear his head is already in my vagina, but I know it’s not. It’s been down that way for a long time though so I can’t say I’ve ever really felt it (or at least known that’s what I was feeling) through my belly.
Looking forward to: Meeting this guy and squeezing him and kissing him and snuggling him. And of course, watching Josh become a dad again. And perhaps my favorite, watching Kaya turn into a big sister. I CAN’T WAIT.
Food cravings: This whole time I keep saying I don’t have cravings, but I do. I have one hell of a sweet tooth. I just want to get anything sugary constantly. Also a big fan of quesadillas, although that is not necessarily pregnancy-related.
Food aversions: I EAT ALL THE FOOD.
Signs: Sometimes I get punched/kicked so hard I’m certain this man is coming out. Or he headbutts my cervix and I feel like I’m going to explode. My lower back has been killing me, but it’s probably because I’m huge and uncomfortable all the time. No contractions! My cevix was 2 cm and 50% effaced as of yesterday, but I know you can waddle around like that for weeks so that doesn’t make me feel like he’s coming out any sooner.
What I miss: Lugging around my little girl. She tells me daily that when Baby Brother comes out, I will be able to lift her and give her piggyback rides. I’m so excited for that. I’ve been lifting her a little (like in shopping carts and other random times), but it’s not often and I’m very careful.
Symptoms: Just chronic uncomfortableness I guess. I made that word up. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, sometimes my stretch marks hurt. My uterus aches often, my feet look fairly normal, but are swollen and achy. My skin is super dry, my hair is brittle… now I’m just complaining…
Nursery: WOO! Nearly done, shockingly. I’m not even close to as freaked out about not having everything done like last time. Is he really going to use it much the first few months? No. That being said I basically just need to paint (tomorrow, I think) and hang up a curtain rod. Easy peasy.
Belly Button in or out? OUT. Kaya pokes at it and says it’s big.
Wedding rings on or off? Engagement ring is long gone and my wedding ring (for the first time ever I think?) is pretty snug.
Mood: READY. I don’t think that’s a mood, but although I feel like I have a zillion things that would be convenient to do, I feel pretty at ease with this guy coming whenever he wants to come even if I have a pile of projects that are half done.

It’s hard to believe that in just a few short weeks (or days!), I’ll be holding my tiny(ish) baby boy in my arms. It’s hard to imagine life with another person in it, but it feels so right. Sometimes I get sad thinking about how I won’t be able to feel his little movements inside me anymore. Sometimes I want to keep him all to myself, safe and sound inside my body. But mostly, I feel so lucky that this tiny person is going to be born into a family that loves him so much already. I’m trying to savor these last few moments as much as I can, but we are all so ready for him to be a part of our world. Now, he just needs a name!

Lastly, I leave you with this ridiculous photo that makes me laugh. And with that I’m going to bed because I’m old and tired.

Just noticed the beer bottle. Classy.

Little man

Yesterday, I had a checkup with my high-risk doctor and I am so happy to report that it was our first appointment where we walked away with only good news. AT LAST! The cyst on our little guy’s brain is gone and my cervix is holding strong at 3.1 centimeters. Dr. Stanco was very happy and, assuming things continue to go well, my last appointment with her will be at around 30 weeks. I’m allowed to increase my activity some as long as I don’t overdo it. TARGET HERE I COME.

We got an AMAZING photo of our little man. I’ve never seen a clearer ultrasound photo. You can really see his perfect face. We can’t wait to meet you, baby. (P.S. We can wait until 37 weeks. Stay in until then.)

Peeaboo! I love you!

Not too much to share other than that, which is a relief.

I did two of these when I was pregnant with Kaya at 22 weeks, 3 days and 36 weeks, 1 day. Kind of fun to see how things compare!

I’m 26 weeks, 5 days today!

Baby Size: I had a checkup yesterday and they said the kern was about 2.6 pounds. He’s in the 77th percentile, measuring 2 weeks, 1 day ahead. He’s going to be a big chunk like his sister!
Weight gain: I started off about 15 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Kaya. That, added to the size of this kid and my body knowing how to stretch and move makes me feel extra huge! I haven’t been tracking my weight. Looking in the mirror tells me I am definitely beefing up. I just compared photos of my bump from a few days ago and my bump at 31 weeks. I’m HUGE. I’ll definitely pay attention to the scale at my checkup next week.
Maternity clothes: I swear I started wearing maternity leggings at 14 weeks this time. I stretch into some of my shirts and dresses, but said goodbye to my “normal” bottoms long ago.
Stretch marks: All of my stretch marks I got at the end of my pregnancy with Kaya are back and in full force. My poor skin feels like it’s going to burst sometimes.
Sleep: What is sleep?! Between waking up to pee and waking up to stare at the ceiling randomly for two hours at a time, I feel like I hardly sleep at all. I’ve taken more naps in this pregnancy than I have in my life. Being on mild bedrest has definitely helped me take time to relax more.
Movement: This little guy moves SO much. He’s constantly rolling around in there and poking me. I love feeling him move. This pregnancy has been so stressful and worrisome so knowing he’s in there doing his thing makes me feel like he’s doing okay.
Best moment this week: Hands down the best thing was seeing his perfect little face yesterday. Now, when he moves I feel like I can really picture him in there. I can’t wait to kiss those sweet cheeks!
Looking forward to: I can’t wait to see Kaya become a big sister to this little guy. I can’t wait to see how they interact together. I can’t wait to scoop up both kids in my arms and swing them around (because I’ll be able to finally lift things in a few months!)!
Food cravings: No surprise here, still love carbs. Just like with Kaya. I have more of a sweet tooth than I used to also. So, super healthy over here. Biggest love right now are bagels. I’m going to get a rude slap in the face when I have to dial back the carbs soon.
Food aversions: I pretty much eat whatever is in front of me. Nothing I can think of sounds gross.

25 weeks, 2 days

26 weeks, 3 days

Labor Signs: Other than the random contractions a few weeks ago, no signs of labor. Thank God.
What I miss: I miss being able to pick up Kaya SO much. And getting a good night’s sleep.
Symptoms: Restlessness, clear discharge from my nips on occasion, stretch marks, aches and pains, the list goes on. The biggest pain right now is the pain in whatever the tendon is called that connects from your leg to your pelvic area. That thing hurts so badly whenever I lay down.
Nursery: Currently, a massive collection of baby stuff and office stuff while Josh builds out the new office. This kid is going to be spoiled. We have so much stuff for him (thank you, nephews). I can’t wait until I can get in there and start organizing.
Belly Button in or out? Neither? It’s kind of flat and almost looks like I don’t have one at all. Sometimes a little squishy part does poke out.
Wedding rings on or off? My engagement ring came off really early on this time. My wedding band, which always spins around, is a little snugger now.
Mood: Excited. Relieved. Happy.

Little foot <3

My last baby

This pregnancy has been extremely hard on me emotionally. It seems like with every bit of good news, there’s more difficult news. After four long weeks, I finally had my cervical checkup. Last week we got the amazing news that my cervix has lengthened from 2.3 to 2.8! Still not at the magical 3, my doctor wants to see, but thankfully it’s not getting worse. As of now, I’m supposed to be laying or sitting down after work and taking it easy with limited activities on weekends. This mild bed rest makes me feel so guilty and anxious. I hate not being able to do all of the fun stuff with Kaya I’m used to and not being able to prep the nursery, help with our office remodel, or do more basic tasks around the house makes me feel like going insane.

Baby Boy: 22 weeks, 4 days

During the ultrasound, a cyst was discovered on our little kern’s brain. It’s called a choroid plexus cyst and while not super common, it’s typically something that goes away on its own and doesn’t cause any problems. Of course, my mind went to the worst place possible and the color drained from Josh’s face as he feared it was a tumor like he had five years ago. Our doctor let us know that when paired with other soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities, this cyst can be a marker for Trisomy 18. I passed my genetic tests and our baby is developing normally, which means this is not considered a marker at all. Despite that, I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed crying. We considered having additional non-invasive prenatal testing done, but after talking to my new doctor at my checkup the following day, I decided against it as it would basically be telling us what we already know; the likelihood of our boy having a chromosomal issue is pretty slim. Talking to my doctor made me feel a lot better. He told me that additional testing was unnecessary and that both of his kids had these cysts and turned out just fine. While I’m still uneasy, that helped. I let him know that I’m a chronic worrier and he told me about the itty bitty shitty committee, the tiny, but powerful part of your brain that immediately fills your mind doubt and fear and worst-case scenarios. He told me to tell it to shut up and enjoy my pregnancy (and life). And you know what? He’s totally right. I’ve been struggling to really enjoy this pregnancy because I’ve been consumed by fear and guilt and that’s not a good or healthy way to live.

I got home from work a little early yesterday and decided to go through some files to prep for the new office. It was kind of cramped in the closet, but I was sitting and not doing any lifting so I gave myself permission to be productive. Sitting around not doing much has made me feel like I’m going insane so I allow myself to do little tasks that require little physical effort on occasion. After that, I laid down in my bed for a while before going to pick up Kaya. From that point on, something just didn’t feel right. My uterus felt very heavy and I felt an unusual amount of pressure in my vaginal/lower abdominal area. I did my best to stay off my feet, which is hard to do with Kaya running around demanding things, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t as it should be. Josh was working on demoing what will become our new office and I asked him to come inside early because I needed to lay down. I told him something wasn’t right and that I was considering going to the hospital. By 7:15, I’d decided the best thing I could do was to go to triage and get this checked out even if it meant forfeiting my nightly routine with Kaya. I just didn’t feel comfortable walking around, bending, or sitting on the floor. I kissed her goodbye and headed to the hospital.

It was a long night. I spent a little over five hours laying in a hospital bed listening to other women in moaning and breathing through active labor. I felt silly for being there because other than pressure, I didn’t have any other symptoms, like bleeding or discharge. I was ready to chalk this up to me being overly sensitive and paranoid and was starting to mentally kick myself for choosing to spend half the night here for what was probably nothing. But, turns out I was having contractions. Light ones, that I really couldn’t feel much, but contractions nonetheless. Thankfully, my cervix remains closed and my cerclage is still tight. I was tested for a protein that shows up when you’re going to deliver within a week (which is insane that a test for that exists!) and that test eventually came back negative. I was given nifedipine to stop the contractions and was told that if the medicine didn’t work, that I was in preterm labor. I was scared and, of course, my phone died a few hours into my stay so I couldn’t talk to Josh about anything, so on top of that I felt alone. On the bright side, the kern was the most active I’ve ever felt him. Nurses kept coming in to fix the monitor because he was flipping and punching all over the place, which also kept throwing off the contractions monitor. I loved feeling him move around and hearing his heartbeat. He felt really low, which likely contributed to some of the pressure I was feeling and sometimes it felt like he was trying to punch right through my cerclage. The nurse couldn’t feel his head through my cervix and I didn’t appear to have any bulging waters so that was a relief. As worrisome as this experience was, I tried to soak in the little alone time I got to have with my super active and tiny son.

My contractions eventually stopped and I was finally discharged around 12:30AM. I was hungry and tired and pretty much collapsed into bed when I got home. As of this morning, my uterus still feels heavy and I still have the slight sensation that my vagina is wide open, but neither are as bad as yesterday. If my symptoms return, I’ll have to go in to see my OBGYN. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be a reason for why this happened. Hopefully, it doesn’t turn out to be a pattern as that will likely lead to permanent, full bed rest. So today, I’m taking it easy, working from my bed, and trying to relax. I’m going to try really hard to force myself to do as little as possible. I don’t want to risk this pregnancy or losing even more time with Kaya.

All of this, the post-cerclage problems, the cyst, the contractions, the increased fear… this has made me come to the realization that this little guy will be my last baby. A few months before I got pregnant, I started dreaming of having three kids. I wasn’t ready for this to be my last pregnancy and I don’t think I am now either. The stress and pain and the feeling that I’m in some way abandoning Kaya are taking their toll on me and I’m afraid it will only get worse. I’m not shutting the door just yet, but I have a strong sense that our family will be perfectly complete as a family of 5 (can’t forget Hank). I don’t know that my body or my mind will be able to do this again. Sometimes I find myself struggling to get too excited because I’m scared of what I might lose.

With all that being said, I’m really trying to remain positive about this pregnancy. I’m trying to internalize all of the good things, like this little guy’s feisty kicks and how much Kaya already loves him. I’m trying to remind myself that this little guy is happy and healthy (and measuring a week ahead!). I’m trying to take more bump photos so I can have a physical reminder of how far I’ve come. I’m trying to steer my mind away from the itty bitty shitty committee and all of the things I keep worrying about that are mostly out of my control. I’m trying to ask for help more and I even hired my sister to come over a few times to help with cleaning and will definitely be recruiting for more help as time goes on.

21 weeks, 4 days

22 weeks, 4 days

Josh and I have been having late-night dinners together, just the two of us, at least four times a week. He usually makes it (this will be the only time I say thank you bed rest) and we have no phones or Netflix. Just us sitting together talking about life. It’s been refreshing. I don’t know what I would do without him. He’s the strongest person I know.

So that’s that. I keep telling the kern to stay in there for a few more months and hope he somehow knows how much he is already loved. I can’t believe that I’ll be holding him in a little over 16 weeks (or sooner, but hopefully not that much sooner). Today, I am 23 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It seems like I’ve barely crossed the halfway point, but I feel really lucky to be here. As much as modern medicine can be infuriating and scary (I feel like I know too much and it drives me bat shit), I would likely not have Kaya and definitely wouldn’t have the kern without it.

I love you, Josh. I love you, Kaya. I love you, Kern. I love you, Hank. Thank you for being the best family I could ever ask for.

The best.

It’s a boy!

EEEEEKKKKK! We can’t believe it. This whole pregnancy I’ve been saying I think it’s a boy knowing that I have literally never correctly guessed the sex of anyone’s baby before, so I guess in my head I truly believed it would be a girl.

On July 11, Josh and I nervously waited in the waiting room. We talked about how it was definitely going to be a girl, but wouldn’t it be insane if it was a boy?! The tech doing the ultrasound seemed to take forever doing all of the important measurements (the real reason for the appointment) and I felt like I was holding my breath the whole time. She got to the part where she was measuring the kern’s legs and I saw a flash of what I swore was a penis. I looked over at Josh with my eyes practically popping out of my sockets as Josh said “I think I saw something!” The tech laughed and didn’t realize what we were talking about. We both stared at each other and finally the tech zoomed in on that little between the legs area and there it was: a not-as-tiny-as-I-expected penis! Holy crap! I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something like “oh my God it’s a boy, what are we going to do with a boy?!”

Although we were both shocked, we’re both SO excited to have a boy. We’ll have one of each, which I think is pretty awesome. Now, just stay in there for a few more months little man so you can grow healthy and strong. Your sister is so ready to play with you!
I guess I jumped a little ahead of myself with that reveal. We revealed our pregnancy to our parents when I was around 9 weeks pregnant. I was a little nervous because it felt so early, but I was about to burst keeping it a secret any longer and I wanted to tell them soon since my cerclage surgery was only a month away.

On May 8th, we had Josh’s mom and Terry over for dinner under the guise of an early birthday dinner. Kaya was wearing her big sister shirt with a long sleeve shirt over it to hide the news. Just before we sat down to eat, we asked Nana to take of her shirt so Kaya didn’t get too hot or dirty during dinner. Josh and I anxiously peeked at them from the kitchen as she nonchalantly took it off. Once she’d read it, her head spun around with her eyes bugged out as she said “You’re expecting?!” It was hilarious and sweet and a memory I’ll never forget. We’re all so excited to welcome this little man into our lives.

A few days later, on Mother’s Day, we went over to my family’s house from brunch where we played the same take-off-the-shirt trick on my mom. My mom asked Kaya what shirt she was wearing and Kaya kept saying “my big sister shirt,” which my mom felt like she wasn’t understanding. Once the shirt was on, my mom spun around with her eyes bulging out bigger than I’ve ever seen and said “WHAT?!” And then my dad poked me and my sister ran over and hugged me and everyone got teary-eyed and it was such a funny and special little moment. And then Kaya was just really ready to eat her chocolate chip pancakes, haha!

July 24 – 20 weeks, 3 days. I feel huge, but also pointy.

Now skipping back ahead back to our gender reveal, we told our families the day after we found out. I originally wanted to do something cool to show them like popping a balloon filled with blue confetti, but we were kind of eager and since I’m on light duty activities still, I didn’t want to drive around to get balloons filled up; I’d rather spend the day sharing the news. (Although I do want to incorporate some kind of balloon-related into a reveal photo with Kaya at some point.)

July 12, 2018 – Right before Kaya opened her box for the big reveal!

We went over to my parents’ house and I put a pair of blue booties with the ultrasound photos into a box for Kaya to open. She was so excited to have a sister and I was really curious and a little nervous about how she’d react to the news. I told her that if there were pink booties (which by the way, Kaya thinks is a hilarious name since it sounds like her booty) that meant she was having a sister, and blue meant a brother. We asked her to open the box and she said “blue” very nervously and quietly. And then everyone started shouting and clapping. So glad I have that on tape. For a while, she’d still call the baby her sister, but she almost always says brother now. And she’s been so sweet coming up to cuddle him or sing him songs. She even read a book to him recently! I’ve been trying not to buy so much since we inherited a ton of boys’ clothes from my nephews, but every time a little onesie or package of socks arrives, Kaya darts into her brother’s room to put it in there for him. She’s also helped me collect some of her baby toys and books to put in there, too. I asked her what she was going to teach her brother a week or so ago and usually she says “not to chew on books” because she’s always concerned and mildly amused when she finds her old books that she gnawed on when she was tiny. This time she said, “not to touch glass things,” which I thought was really smart and thoughtful.

It’s a BOY!!

That evening when we got home, we started telling the rest of our immediate family. Josh’s mom was in Alaska on vacation and we called her first. Josh asked to FaceTime and she was so excited to see little blue booties sitting on Josh’s chest when the all connected. Kim was shocked it was a boy and was super happy, too. I think everyone thought the kern was going to be a girl. We texted Josh’s dad a photo of the ultrasound while we were on the phone with him and he said there’s no doubt that’s a boy! Haha. We texted and called friends over the next few days. So excited to share the news about this little boy!

We love you, my sweet little baby.

 

Cerclage #2

I’ve come on here several times in the last two months to start writing, but then I get overwhelmed because SO MUCH has happened and I never seem to have enough time to write everything down. Then, I start feeling guilty because I wrote so often when I was pregnant with Kaya, but I’m exhausted and just trying to savor every moment.

But here we go:

At 11 weeks, I SWEAR I felt the kern move. It was so faint, but it didn’t feel like “pre-farts” (as Josh would call them -__-) or hunger rumblings. On June 8th, at just under 14 weeks, I FOR SURE felt this little person move. Feeling those little flutters makes me woozy with love and hope. By June 25th, just a few weeks later, I could feel movement throughout the day. Lots of gentle thudding and what feels like little flips when I laid down in the afternoon. Those little kicks made me feel like THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. I’m going to be a mom again!

So far this pregnancy has been pretty similar symptoms-wise with the exception of feeling so much more tired, probably because instead of napping after work, I spend my time hanging out with a very talkative two-and-a-half year old. :) I also have felt a lot more anxiety and worry about my cervix. Since I found out about this pregnancy so early on and knew that I would have to have a cervical cerclage again, I felt like it took forever for my surgery date to arrive, even though it was three weeks earlier than when I had it with Kaya. I was relieved to have it early this time, but still bummed that I had to wait until I was 13 weeks when the pregnancy was “viable.” I’ve said it before, but I hate how cold the medical world can be sometimes.

On the morning of June 5th, I went in for my cerclage. Kaya and Josh went with me, but couldn’t go into the waiting room so it was a quick goodbye. I was so bummed that we were so rushed and and I didn’t have the company and long goodbye I wanted. I was stuck in the waiting room for hours because my surgery got pushed back. Once in the operating room, everything went fast and pretty much like before. I got stabbed in the back with a huge needle and then laid there with my legs spread open while people peered around at my parts and the doctor yanked on my cervix for a half hour. At least this time I didn’t feel like I was going to slide off the table onto my head!

After the surgery, I did a lot more laying around and waiting. My pain meds wore off and I had contractions for hours. The Tylenol didn’t work. I kept trying to drink a lot of fluids so I could pee enough to go home, but the pain kept getting worse. My mom and sister alternated coming in to sit with me so I wouldn’t be alone. Finally, I got the nurse to give me more Indocin, which is what I’d wanted from the beginning. The cramps stopped almost immediately. They took out my catheter and I barely even felt it! I remember it being so gross and scary last time so this was a huge relief. I tried going to the bathroom for the first time around 4:30PM and I peeded A LOT. The nurses even bragged about it because no one is usually that successful on their first try. I couldn’t stop smiling like a complete weirdo. They measured to make sure I’d emptied my bladder and told me there was still pee in there so I’d have to try again. I was so irritated. About a half an hour later, my nurse came back and said she could take the best out of the three tests, so I could go home after all! WOOHOO! My mom pulled the car around while I was wheeled out to the car. I was so excited to see Kaya!

June 19, 2018 – 15 weeks, 3 days

June 26, 2018 – 16 weeks, 3 days

July 19, 2018 – 19 weeks, 5 days

I didn’t take my first bump photo until I was 15 weeks. I felt like I started showing so much earlier and since I was 15 pounds heavier when I got pregnant this time, I just felt chunky. My bump is definitely a baby bump now!

Kaya nervously hugged me when I got home. I’ll never forget how we clung to each other for that little moment. We talked for weeks about how I had an owie so I had to go to the doctor and how it was healing. She still tells me to “be careful of your body” and how she takes care of people. She is the sweetest girl. The night of my cerclage we got some scary news about Josh’s grandpa, which luckily turned out to not be as bad as we thought, and Kaya got sick. I wasn’t supposed to lift her and for a week I needed to be laying down in bed or on the couch, but I still rocked her to sleep when she woke up screaming because she wanted me and didn’t feel good. My contractions returned the next day and I wasn’t given Indocin like I was the first time because my doctor said I wouldn’t have an issues since they put in the cerclage so early. By that night, my pain had gotten worse and after three hours of trying to get a hold of the doctor, I got through and was allowed to take ibuprofen (which is basically the same as Indocin). It helped immensely and I could finally sleep. I was pretty upset that the doctor seemed kind of irritated because I was in pain. She said my body must just be really sensitive. I wanted to yell that I birthed a 10-pound baby and my tolerance is pretty damn high, but I didn’t.

The worst part about the whole experience is not being able to full commit yourself to helping your child; it’s the hardest thing. I still feel inadequate and guilty and angry about it. I had to send Kaya to my mom’s that day even though she had a low-grade fever. All I wanted to do is hold and snuggle her. She ended up having a fever off and on for a few days and I’m so thankful that she is still such a trooper when she’s sick. We spent a lot of time on the couch reading books and she definitely got a little more iPad and TV time than she normally would. Even though I couldn’t chase her around or have dance parties or lift her up, I enjoyed our little moments together and loved the extra snuggling time. After a week of full bed rest, I gradually started being able to move around a little more and after three weeks, I was able to go back to normal activity. Kaya and I were both pretty excited that I could lift her again and I was happy to be able to go back to our regular bedtime routines (I loved that Josh got to spend more time with Kaya, but I missed tucking her into bed at night!) and comfortably pick up things around the house again. I’d been really sad that I had to cancel my girl’s trip to see friends with Kaya, but I was so excited that we didn’t have to call off our family trip to Oregon. It was so much fun and I need to remember to jot down that whole experience soon!

My one-week follow up appointment with my Dr. Stanco went well and I was looking forward to my next appointment four weeks later because we were finding out the sex! AHH! At this appointment, we also found out some bad, scary, sad, and not-so-great news. Since my cerclage five weeks before, my cervix went from 3.4 to 2.3. This is not great. I’m back to mild duty activities again and Kaya never stops asking “why you can’t lift me anymore?” It’s really awful. One time when she was trying to get out of her car seat by herself she said “I’m really frustrated because you can’t lift me.” I’m still amazed at how incredible her language skills are, but this really broke my heart. I keep assuring her that someday soon I’ll be dancing and swinging her around again. I hate that I can’t do those things now. My next appointment is scheduled for August 8th. It seems like a lifetime away. If my cervix has continued to shorten, I’ll be put on permanent bed rest, likely until I go into labor. That would be truly horrible. I tried to get my appointment moved up, but was assured that if my cervix shortens, it would be so slowly that going in early really wont help. After our appointment, Josh and I went to lunch. I kept trying to be excited and happy about our gender reveal, but I was really sad and kind of afraid to get excited. The doctor said “you could still lose this pregnancy” and those words still stab at my heart everyday. I can’t imagine that. Now, I feel like I’m in this weird place where I finally have the energy to do things, but I can’t. I let myself do minimal things on weekends, but try to take it easy the rest of the week after work as the doctor advised. It’s a constant struggle between trying to feel normal and not overdoing it because I’m petrified of miscarrying.

This little one’s kicks are getting bigger and every time I feel them, I feel a sense of relief. But with that relief also comes a little pang of sadness because I can’t imagine not making it to the point where I can hold this happy, healthy baby in my arms in December. I try not to focus on the bad stuff, the worst case scenarios, the negatives, but sometimes I can’t stop my mind from going there. Josh reminded me that my cervix is now only .1mm shorter than when I got my cerclage with Kaya at 16 weeks. I’m clinging to the hope that this is just where my cervix wants to stay during pregnancies and that it wont get any shorter. I cannot imagine being stuck in a bed for 20 weeks. I feel like I miss out on so much coming to work five days a week already.

One thing that helps is looking over at Josh each night as we both go, “HOLY CRAP WE ARE DOING THIS AGAIN!” The best thing is looking at this sweet, spunky, and beautiful little girl we’ve raised and watching her dream about being a big sister.

“I’m cuddling you’re baby”

July 14, 2018 – Baby Snuggles

She loves coming over to give kisses and cuddles.

Today marks 20 weeks, 2 days; the halfway point at last! Fingers crossed that this little babe stays in here for many more months and keeps getting stronger.

7 weeks? 6? 5?

Well, good news! My appointment last week went well! Not as expected, but good! Short version: I have no idea how far along I am. I can narrow it down to a few possibilities (thank you convenient and semi-creepy tracker app!), but next week we’ll hopefully get a little more clarification.

So here’s the longer story: Since my last post, I got my results back from my second blood test. Numbers doubled, woohoo! Such a relief. The nurse who called with my results said that Thursday (I’d thought it was Friday this whole time so I’m so glad she called) was too early to come in. I told her my nurse practitioner had setup that appointment so I wanted to stick with it. She told me that it would be too early to see anything other than that “something” was in my uterus. I kind of put my foot down (I think I just really wanted to go in and see a full-term baby on the ultrasound or something) and she said she’d check in with my NP and get back to me. She called me back pretty quickly and said that it was early and it was recommended that I wait a few days so we’d have better luck seeing something on the ultrasound. I talked to the scheduler and my NP was out for two weeks and my doctor is apparently not taking early-pregnancy consults anymore. And so…we went to our appointment as planned since I couldn’t stand waiting so long.

I’d taken the day off to hang out with Kaya and felt a little guilty taking her to my appointment and cutting into our girl time. I was nervous that she might say something to my mom or mother-in-law about me at the doctor’s office, too! We walked in our room and she was very interested. Josh tried so hard to distract her the whole time with stuff on his phone, but she was fascinated by the doctor and watching me lay down in the dark on the bed.

Anyway, I laid sprawled out on the bed with Kaya gawking at me while the nurse got the ultrasound going. As predicted, we couldn’t see much, but it was something! A tiny yolk sac! It looked like a little bubble on the screen. The nurse said that this was exactly what she expected to see and that I was definitely less than six weeks pregnant. She said everything was on track and on Monday I’ll be going in to see the progress again! I hate this term, but once we have evidence that the pregnancy is “viable,” I’ll be able to make an appointment with Dr. Stanco who will eventually do my cerclage again. I’m bummed that I won’t be able to see my NP for the appointment next week. She said she didn’t want to make me wait two weeks and I’m really thankful for that. The doctor I’m seeing doesn’t have the best reviews. To be honest, I’ve only heard a few negative things which I’m sure many/most doctors have, but it kind of bugs and worries me anyway.

According to my last period, I’m supposed to be seven weeks and four days pregnant today. Based on other, umm, possible conception dates, I can only be a week or two less than that. I’m pretty certain I’m six weeks at this point. At my appointment last week, my NP drew the tiniest line to show me how big the sac was. Just a few millimeters! By my appointment next week, it should be around 25! Crazy how fast things grow and progress. So it looks like we’ll be having a December baby! And we have a name and it’s hilarious and it makes me laugh every time…. the kernel. Hah, because that’s about how big this little thing is right now. Josh made that up just like “the blueb” and I love it. I also have to mention that it sounds very male or like an extremely badass woman. Why do I think this way? Anyway, just have to wait another 10ish weeks to find out! Eek!

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, I feel kind of ehh. I was pretty tired the last week or so, but I’m feeling more energized now. I got some kind of food poisoning late Sunday and basically crapped my guts out for a day. (Wow, that’s gross and weirdly detailed for such a short sentence.) I’m feeling better now, but I’m still nauseous. I’m thinking that this might be my new state of being. Makes me feel like I’m really pregnant though. I remembered feeling nauseous with Kaya, but not like this. I went back to when I started this blog and got lost reading everything I wrote about my early days being pregnant with Kaya. So cool to read and so informative! I forgot I actually took Unisom for awhile to help with nausea. I hate taking medicine, but if this gets worse, it might be in the cards for me again.

I’ve always been feeling a pressure and some mild period-like cramps for the last two weeks. I’m really worried every time I feel them. I didn’t remember feeling this with Kaya, but looking back I guess I did for a little then, too. I just get so nervous after the chemical pregnancy last month.

But things are looking good! I let myself look at the stuff I put on my checklist registries and let myself dream and feel excited. I look forward to telling our families. And I cannot wait to tell Kaya. It’s going to be so special.

I’m pregnant!

HOLY CRAP I’M PREGNANT. So here we go again. After last month, I was hesitant to start trying again. I tracked my period on my app, but I left my ovulation tests in the medicine cabinet because I didn’t feel ready. We still did “it” when my app said I’d be ovulating, but I didn’t really think much of it and kind of assumed it wasn’t going to be accurate or really happen after my period being thrown off the month before. I started peeing on pregnancy test strips a few days before and after my missed period and kept getting negatives. A week ago Sunday, I got my first positive. It was super faint and the next day’s was even fainter. I didn’t get my hopes up. In fact, I thought I was having another chemical pregnancy. The following day, I got a darker line. My hopes skyrocketed. Darker lines followed. My eyes weren’t seeing things. I couldn’t deny it. This was real! I emailed my doctor and told her about the tests and my nerves after last month. She told me to come in that day for a blood test and another one on Saturday. She scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound for this Friday. Up until that day, I hadn’t told Josh. I was nervous and cautious. He’s very practical and methodical and he’d cautioned me about testing early before. To be clear, he’s always supportive and has my best interest in mind, but I didn’t want to feel disappointed. But now I needed to tell him. All those dark lines and now these appointments made this feel too real. I followed him into the bedroom that afternoon and told him. It wasn’t eloquent or cutely planned like before. In hindsight, me blurting out “I have to tell you something… I’m officially knocked up” is kind of funny. He was shocked and excited and his eyes got watery, just like they did when I told him I was pregnant with Kaya.

I went in for a blood test that day and my numbers were right where they’re supposed to be. I haven’t gotten my results back from Saturday yet, but I feel like I’ll finally be able to breathe if they come back okay. This weekend was so busy with too many activities and Easter egg hunts, but it was a great distraction. Josh told me he notices pregnant women everywhere now. I can’t wait to tell Kaya. She’s going to be such a caring big sister.

I feel like I’m hyper-aware of my body lately. I swear I can feel movement. Not from the actual baby, of course, but maybe my uterus expanding? Something is definitely going on in there and I’m telling myself it’s not just gas. My acid reflux came back a few days ago. Hoping it’s just from pigging out on too much food all weekend, but I have a feeling it’s going to stick around all pregnancy again. And I’ve been SO thirsty lately. I don’t remember that being a pregnancy symptom, but I haven’t been great about drinking water in a long time so I suppose it’s a blessing in disguise.

Based on my last period, I’m guessing my due date will be November 25th. Just over two weeks past Kaya’s third birthday and two days after my mom’s. I’ve heard so many people say they can tell what gender they’re having, but I’m certain that even when I’m further along, I’ll have no freaking clue. I think it would be awesome to have another girl. We kind of know what we’re doing with Kaya and we’ll have no shortage of clothes. I always thought I’d be a boy mom so I’d be thrilled with a boy, too. And maybe there would be less comparison and conflict? Or maybe just a different kind? I don’t know. Regardless, I think their age gap will be perfect.

Ahh! My brain has been going crazy with dreaming and planning and just feeling so dang excited. I keep telling myself it’s early. I’m only 6 weeks. Maybe I should be more cautious with my feelings. But I can’t help it and you know what? As I write this, I’m deciding that I’m going to let myself feel the way I feel. Not hold back out of fear of what could or may or won’t happen. Not feel superstitious. Let myself be happy. Because that’s what I am. So incredibly happy and thankful.

Welcome Kaya June: The birth story

Josh and I were sitting at a bar when I felt a weird cramp in my stomach. I’d spent the last few days trying to be more active and getting out of the house more so aches and pains didn’t trigger too many alarms. Barrel Republic had a few variations of one of Josh’s favorite beers on tap so we’d made the trip, despite how uncomfortable and enormous I was feeling. Ten minutes or so went by and another cramp came along. It briefly crossed my mind that this could possibly be the start of labor, but I pushed the thought away since I was pretty convinced our baby girl wasn’t going to be making an appearance until our induction date.

Another ten minutes passed and that cramping sensation crept up again, this time a little deeper and stronger. I told Josh that my stomach was feeling weird. He looked concerned and excited. As our pregnancy came closer to an end, he grew more and more nervous each time I mentioned I was feeling even a little bit off. I went to the bathroom and sat in a stall, breathing deeply as another cramp came and went. It was becoming clear that these cramps were more than just cramps; at last I was having contractions! I returned to our table, I told Josh that I wanted to go home. With a nervous smile, he downed his beer, closed the tab, and we hopped in the car. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that car ride home. He kept asking how I was feeling, how far apart the contractions were, and what he could do to help. When we got home, I tried lying down for a while, but found myself curling into a ball each time a contraction started. At that point, they were about seven to eight minutes apart. Josh suggested I call the hospital to find out when we should head in. I couldn’t believe that this was finally happening! I’d gone into labor on my own and we were so close to finally meeting our little girl! I called the hospital and the nurse confirmed what I remembered reading: There’s no need to come in until the contractions are four to five minutes apart and last about a minute. I gathered a few last minute things for our hospital bag and Josh packed up the car. We ate PB&Js in the bed while we chatted about how crazy this was and waited for the contractions to get closer together.

I think I spent the better part of two hours crouched in a ball on the floor at the side of the bed. Josh distracted himself with little tasks around the house, but stopped by the bedroom every few minutes to check on me. Time seemed to be going by so fast and so slow at the same time. Finally, my contractions were about five minutes apart. Josh told me it was time to go, but I kept telling him that I thought we should wait longer because I was afraid that we’d be sent home. I kept doubting myself, thinking that I must be counting the contractions wrong or maybe these weren’t even real contractions at all. I was convinced that my baby was not going to come on her own and that we’d be taking our planned trip to the hospital in a few days where I’d be induced.

Eventually, however, I found myself giving Hank a brief goodbye, before waddling to the car. I expected myself to be more nervous, but the drive to the hospital was pretty relaxed. Josh asked if he should rush, but I told him to take his time as I did some weird breathing while clenching the door handle tightly. Once we arrived, I insisted that I could walk. I was afraid of being whisked away while Josh parked the car and I was scared to be alone. We made the short trek from the parking garage to the front desk, then up the elevator to triage. While sitting in the waiting room, I remember staring at the girl across from me, trying not to wince in pain, wondering if she knew what was happening to me. Finally, we were ushered to a little curtained room, which I think was the same room we were in when I’d come in a few days after my cerclage was put in. The nurse took my vitals and I was relieved to see a little printout full of wavy lines showing I really was having contractions. When the RN came into check my cervix, I held my breath. She said I was dilated to five and a half centimeters and that we’d bought ourselves a stay in the hospital. We were having a baby! I was so happy to have progressed from the three centimeters I was less than a week before at my last checkup and was thrilled that I wouldn’t have to be induced after all. Josh called our parents, while I tried to relax and fill out our admittance paperwork. I couldn’t believe this was finally happening!

When we got to our room in labor and delivery room, a nurse started my IV and told us I’d probably be in labor for another four to five hours. That confirmed my decision to get an epidural. I just couldn’t imagine the contractions worsening. Four to five hours is a long time! A nurse held my knees and coached my breathing while I hunched over and the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural. I was surprised and really relieved that it didn’t really hurt much at all.

We had a few nurses that came and went, but we were lucky to have a really awesome nurse for the majority of the night. Her name was Courtney and she was funny, supportive, and had great insight and stories that entertained us for the many hours we spent there. I can’t remember exactly how much time passed, but not too long after we’d settled in, I was dilated to six, then seven or eight centimeters, and Courtney told me that my water bag was “bulging” and that the doctor would be in shortly to break it. The doctor came in and was pretty impersonal. I didn’t even realize she was the doctor at first. She barely said a word before she reached in, broke my water, and left. I lay there with fluids pouring out of my body. Nothing could’ve prepared me for that feeling. I remember reading about the “gush” of having your water break, but this was so much more than a gush. Even the nurse cleaning up the pool of liquids I was sitting in commented on how soaked the towels were. And it just kept dumping out!

Hours passed and I became impatient and uncomfortable. I had a button I could press to release extra doses of the epidural, but I was trying to hold off because I wanted to be able to feel when to push when the time came. Plus, it made me itchy, as did the belts that held my contraction and baby heart rate monitors. Courtney noticed that although our blueb’s heart rate was in the right range, it wasn’t showing the fluctuation that there should be. She gave me oxygen, hoping that would help boost the heart rate. I hated the plastic and sterile smell and taste of the mask. Unfortunately, the oxygen didn’t help, so she switched the monitor to one that connected directly to our baby’s head to get a more accurate reading. I hoped the results were skewed because I’d constantly  scratching at the belt, but the data stayed the same. Because of this, Courtney ended up calling the NICU to make sure they would have nurses present for the birth just in case there were any problems. I was bummed and nervous, but Courtney reassured us so I tried to focus on just being thankful for the precaution.

At around 2:45 AM, about seven hours after our arrival to the hospital, Courtney told us I was dilated to ten and it was time to push. I was terrified! Now that it was finally time, I was scared of the pain, nervous that I would poop everywhere, and afraid that I just wasn’t going to be able to do it. I was surprised when Courtney pulled out these weird leg-holders instead of the stirrups you see in the movies. I guess stirrups aren’t usually used after an epidural since your lower body is so numb. I wish I would have known that ahead of time. It wouldn’t have changed my mind about the epidural, but it would have been one more thing I could have felt at least a little prepared for.

Courtney help me place my calves on the mounts, told me to pull my knees toward my chest, take a deep breath, and push. I tried. I felt like I had no idea what I was doing. I knew I was doing something wrong because my neck ached, like when I cheat doing crunches and use my neck instead of my abs. But I wasn’t trying to cheat and after many hours, I still couldn’t manage to push this baby out! At some point, Courtney pulled handles up from the sides of the bed so I could pull on those instead of my knees, but I’m not sure if that made it any better. To make matters worse, I discovered that I could see the reflection of my wide-open legs in one of the ceiling panels, which meant that I could see what I feared most: I had pooped. I know it’s pretty normal and that I shouldn’t be embarrassed, but I couldn’t help it; I was mortified. And it kept happening! There was no explosion of poop like I expected, but I still made sure Courtney cleared away my pebble-sized poops because it made me feel so gross and uncomfortable. She laughed and thought I was ridiculous, but I was so embarrassed! She did a great job of distracting us with stories about her kids and bizarre tales of other patients, but as time passed, I became more and more frustrated. I was itchy, impatient, exhausted, and uncomfortable. Courtney told us that she could see our little girl’s head and that she had lots of dark hair. I was shocked because I’d always pictured having a blonde or bald daughter like I had been. While a visible head seemed like progress, hours passed and despite all of my pushing, our little blueb was stuck. My contractions spread further and further apart and after about four hours of pushing, they had almost stopped completely. I felt like I was going to cry. We were all frustrated, exhausted, and a little discouraged. Courtney told me to take the time to rest and called the doctor, who came in and gave me an IV of picotin to kick start the contractions again. Within an hour, we were back to pushing again.

At a little after 7 AM, it was time for a shift change. Courtney let us know that a new doctor, Dr. Tarakjian, would be coming in and would probably suggest using suction to get our baby out. I was sad that I couldn’t get her out on my own, but ready for this whole thing to be over. I pushed with the new nurse for about an hour. The pain was unbearable. I’d exhausted the epidural button and had been there a lot longer than anyone had predicted. Josh had to fight the nurse to call the anesthesiologist because she didn’t want to give me any more medicine because she was afraid I wouldn’t be able to push. Dr. T came in and seemed irritated that I was in such bad shape. I was so thankful when I finally felt the warm, burning sensation of the new drugs entering my body.

My memory is pretty hazy from that point forward. Dr. T was encouraging, but didn’t sugarcoat anything. He explained that he’d be using forceps to reposition our baby, then suction to guide her out. He also told me that he wanted me to do the work at the end so he wasn’t going to pull her out all of the way. I remember feeling scared, overwhelmed, and nervous. I pushed and pushed and couldn’t stop crying. I vaguely recall him saying something about how I was only pooping. I swear that happened, but I might have made it up. I remember him yelling at me to push as I sobbed “I can’t” uncontrollably. I remember flinging myself back on to the bed and shaking hysterically. I remember him telling me to calm down and breathe. I was so tired and it felt like all of the pain meds had already worn off. Dr. T started yelling at me again and I was off to pushing again. I remember hot tears streaming down my face. I remember Josh stroking my arm and telling me that I was doing great. I remember him telling me that we were close. Then, at 8:58 AM on Monday, November 9^th, after six hours of pushing, I remember the greatest feeling of relief I’ve ever felt in my life. My body no longer felt strained, exhausted, and violated.

Nurses ran around congratulating us. I remember Josh saying something like, “you did it” and I remember trying to breathe. I remember sobbing “why isn’t she crying?”, then finally hearing that little cry for the first time. I remember the nurses saying “she’s so big” and I remember trying to read the scale from across the room. I remember Josh saying “ten pounds, six ounces” and feeling like my heart was going to stop because I couldn’t fathom having a baby that big.

I remember the sweetest baby being placed on my chest. I remember saying “hi, little blueb” for the first time. I remember kissing the top of her head as I cried tears of relief, love, fear, and exhaustion.

I remember Josh telling me to say her name and me slowly breathing out “Kaya June.” I remember looking at Josh and never feeling more in love. I’ll never forget that moment when my family became perfectly complete.

Welcome to the world, Kaya June.